And the Oscar goes to...

This is probably going to be the first post that actually deals with my personal thoughts and or issues, and in the grand scheme of life these issues don’t really mean that much…but to me they have a fairly substantial bearing on who I am and how I act, allow me to expand on that. First off I would like to note that I am an introverted person, even from a young age I didn’t handle social situations very well, that’s not to say that I didn’t have any friends, I did. I had a best friend and other friends throughout elementary and high school, however I felt very shy or nervous in certain and many situations. I’m positive almost everybody has felt that way, some maybe more, some maybe less than I have and or do. As I got older naturally I became more and more confident at just about everything I did, except for…acting, I was never able to tell a believable lie. Now I can, except not when it counts, and you’re probably thinking and that’s a bad thing?

I’ll expand a little to get my idea across. When you first meet someone you cannot simply just lay all of cards on the table immediately most people will just get creeped out and think you a weirdo. You have to go thru natural get to know the person steps. Now I have never really had that problem with friends but with girls I like, that area is something I really have to work on. As soon as that switch is turned to the “I think I could really like you” side, I change into someone I’m not. In fact there is proof to all of this and I have seen it many times. No question about it I am also a very complex person I may be a square on the outside but some of the things that go though my head are anything but square, don’t be alarmed I’m not some serial murderer or anything. It’s just that any thought I’m not able to express in some way end up bouncing around in my head colliding with each other in a non stop circus bumper car ride kind of way(hence me being a little bit introverted and over analytical) . Luckily most of it I am able to tame with by keeping busy i.e.; school, hockey, friends, work etc. This bumper car effect is what turns the normal causal me into somebody else.

A good example of this is well my last girlfriend, we had a class together last year and I thought she was attractive, but not the “I think I could really like you” kind of attractive but still I made it clear that I was interested even though I really wasn’t and guess what it worked. I got her number and we hung out a few times I played the part perfectly, but after a number of months she started asking me more serious questions like “who I was”, and naturally I changed the subject or made up some lame joke of a story, not because I didn’t want to tell her but because I didn’t feel “that” way about her. She could read me like a book, and it went down hill from there. Needless to say it didn’t work out and we broke up. I wasn’t sad nor happy about the whole thing. Looking back on the whole thing I’m kind of glad I’m such a bad liar for her sake.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I need to work on “Acting to be myself” if that makes any sense at all, but it does to me anyway. For the first parts of the relationship you cannot lay all the cards on the table (if you're anything like me) but after a while you have to show you hand or it won’t last, that is pretty much common sense, however when “I think I could really like you” switch is turned for some reason I just want to throw down my hand right away, so most of the time I don’t even get to the part where we both show our hands (that’s not a dirty joke btw).

So from now on I’m going to have to show my stripes only when I think I need too. I came to this obvious conclusion a long time ago but the “acting” part is what I’m having trouble with. Just so you know I know there are always shades of gray in every situation so not everything is going to go just as planned, but it’s a start.